Its been about five and a half weeks since I got hurt now. Words cant express how miserable I am. I can't tell if my hand is healing slowly, or just not at all. I am following what the doctor said, but I can't afford to keep going back and asking more questions or following up on the progress. Everyone keeps telling me to get insurance but no one actually understands how insurance works. One, any plan that provides realistic coverage is out of my price range. Two, I have pre existing medical stuff due to my surgeries and everything. Three, the deductibles are so high it is actually worth the risk to just try and not get hurt. No one wants to actually understand that these plans are not feasible for me in one way or another and I am in a spot where I just have to tough it out and wait for America to stop treating medical attention as a privilege. My knuckles are still swollen, I still can't make a fist, I still have pretty much non existant grip strength and you can forget about straightening or bending my fingers back. Granted, the doctor said it would be MINIMUM two weeks after the cast came off before I could wrestle, and it's only been one week so far, but I just don't see it being better anytime soon. It feels so jacked up I can't even imagine wrestling again by the end of the year.
I come home from work, eat, go downstairs and go to bed. I'm really out of shape but I can't hold the bar yet to lift weights, and I have no motivation to even run or anything. Sometimes I think about it and I am just like what's the point? People give the worst advice. I think the people giving advice are people that have never been hurt. "Just go hang out at the gym so at least you are around Jiu Jitsu!" Yeah, great idea. Let me go rub it in my face that I can't do what I want to do.
I try to just think about Brazil and work everyday and save money, but I always have some kind of bill to pay which makes it tough. I won't be prepared like I thought I would be for Worlds by the time it rolls around. I'll lose again. I had goals. I was doing everything right. I was wrestling a lot, I was lifting weights, and the stupidest thing happened and now I'm done. This is so much more frustrating than anyone, well except for other Jiu Jitsu people that get hurt) can imagine. I've been training for three years now, and have spent almost an entire year of that off the mats.
I try to stay busy but it's pointless. My friends live in Baltimore and every single one of them always bails on everything. It sucks going through life having a plan and knowing deep down you aren't actually gonna do it cause you're gonna get a text canceling an hour before. Weekends are so worthless. I would rather just be working and making money. I went to NYC to skip on Halloween. I hate Halloween. Worst holiday ever. New York was good. Sarah lives in Brooklyn now, which is the worst. But it is kinda cool staying in Brooklyn and going into Manhattan, which is awesome. We were all over the place for Halloween. The parade in a torrential downpour was awesome. I like getting caught in rain. We went to the sketchiest club ever in a Polish slum, and it was very apparent non Polish people were NOT welcome. I was some of the biggest sketchy Polish dudes fighting each other. I saw a sketchy Polish dude in his early 20s with scars on his face and a python around his neck posted up outside of the liqour store. I would rather be posted up in the Marcy projects than ever live in Greenpoint. I got to see Reid briefly though, which was also awesome. And Nabeen fell off his bike which look like it hurt, but I cannot not laugh at people falling off bikes.
Im going camping at the beach this weekend. Kinda bummed that I can't catch a football, but I guess that makes me permanent quarterback? Beach always cheers me up a great deal.I hate to just rant continuously about hating everything and being miserable, but I literally have nothing that makes me happy to wake up for right now and it sucks. I want my life back. I wanted to see Shook Ones tonight but I didn't wanna drive in the rain. I wanna go back to Vegas and be in Drysdale's apartment and play video games and gamble and swim in his pool and wrestle with Forrest and learn Portuguese with Murilo. I want it to snow hella bad so I can at least go take walks and accept that its not warm so I can embrace it. I wanna get a giant tattoo of a snake and a lion on my forearm. And a teapot and this painting of pretty Saro that Tom Kenney gave me on the top of my arm. Want, want, want blah blah blah. Text me, don't text me. Show up, don't show up. Don't go to me with the beach. Most, worst, ewww. I don't drive when it's raining. Put Southland back on TV. Make me a taco salad.
EDIT: Like 10 minutes after ranting and whining Ryan texted me telling me to "come in for technique. We have no time to waste." I spent all this time wanting my hand to be better and forgot one major thing that Ryan just reminded me of... Don't be a pussy. Im back on Monday.
